I need to speak a little about suicide. With the recent deaths of Anthony Bourdain and Kate Spade, and recent rumblings from friends on Facebook who seem to be considering a similar fate, I feel compelled to speak.
Douglas Fisher, Scott Fisher, Wayne Fisher
Firstly, let me give you a little about my brush with the issue. In 1980, my 26 year old brother, Wayne, committed suicide by poison. He had suffered with new seizures that had begun from a previous brain injury and told my parents, “that he was afraid his brain was going to deteriorate and didn’t want to be a burden.” To say that my parents, my other brother and I, were devastated, would be an understatement. My parents were nothing but supportive of all of us, but the guilt that my brother’s death caused them was terrible. My parents always put us first, yet they felt so guilty that they must have done something wrong. It was horrible to watch. I was 16 and it was my first real brush with tragedy. Wayne and I were very close, and we shared many interests and he was always so encouraging and supportive of me. I learned at an early age that people could leave your life forever and that you must cherish each moment with them. My older brother, Doug, felt really badly, as he was only 2 years older than Wayne, and they had really grown up together. Doug and I talked about how horrible and sad Wayne’s death had been to our family, and that we could never do such a thing to the people we would leave behind.
The saddest part was how great my brother was, and how he really made a difference in the world, and now that opportunity for him to shine and grow was forever taken away by suicide. I was angry for many years. ” How could he do this to my mom and dad? To me? ” My parents would have spent all of their savings, anything, to help him. “How could he do this to us?” Well, it took a few more years to wrap my head around this, not until I was studying psychology in college and learned about depression. Wayne was in pain, he wasn’t thinking about us, he wanted to end his pain and could not see the positives of the future, because he was in the tunnel vision world of depression. Depression is real, with real side effects. No different from a physical illness, such as pneumonia. The sad part for many suffering from it, is that it robs you from seeing the big picture of life..and that is the danger. I have learned that all of life is a roller coaster…it is peaks and valleys and you have to ride through the valley before it will peak again. The sad part of depression is that you only see the valley and and don’t see any peaks on the horizon. This is the horrible symptom of the illness itself. At least when, you have pneumonia, you can identify you may have a fever or cough.
Sadly in 2010, my older brother, Doug, would also suffer at the fate of suicidal depression at 58. Leaving me, my mother, his two sons, and grandchildren, a devastating hole in our family again.
Suicidal depression and its symptoms are not as obvious as pneumonia is to its victims. The depression creates these devastating blinders that block out hope and the acknowledgement that things can get better. When you make a decision to end your life under this cloud, you are missing out on the whole picture of your life and there is no turning back. This is why it is so important to get help. Call your therapist, the Suicide Prevention Hotline (1-800-273-8255), or you can even call or go to an emergency room. Thousands of people do get their blinders removed with therapies and medications. It can be you. Choose to get help. So many people are feeling what you feel, but get the help they need and enjoy the rest of their lives. You can too!
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