It was a month ago on December 10th that my Mom died holding my hand at home. I find words unable to express the hole that has been left in my soul. She was my best friend, protector, confidant, and fountain of wisdom for my entire life. We have been through so much together and the knowledge that I will not have her for the rest of my life seems so unbearable. We have been through so much together… the death of my brother to suicide when I was 16, the near fatal car accident in 1992 that my father was in and the home care we administered to him for 12 years after the accident while he suffered dementia until his death in 2003, Moms’s stroke in 2003 which left her weak on the right side and  unable to write or speak very well, the death of my sister-in-law to breast cancer,  the death of my dear Aunts Gloria and Gen, and finally the death of my oldest brother to suicide in 2010. And that is just the bad stuff! She was there for every play I ever appeared in when I was an actor, every graduation from college, every birthday, every holiday, anything positive in our lives we always shared together. She always knew how to cheer me up when I was down, always had the right things to say, or give a much needed hug, even after she suffered her stroke.

We lived together in the same house and it is so eerie here without her. The house is so quiet without her. She was such a presence and that has been silenced now. Because it was her house, there are reminders of her everywhere, and each one I encounter can send me off into a deep crying jag. Since her stroke she was my main concern, and my whole life was geared to making sure she was happy. The days were filled with helping her dress, doctor’s appointments, home health aides, physical therapy, and assisting her with whatever she needed. My daily routine, or should I say lack of one now has left me utterly confused and bewildered. So much of my identity for almost 20 years has been caregiver to one or both of my parents.

I realize that in the plan of things we are all to lose our parents when we are alive, but when you live with someone almost your whole life and they are no longer in your living space it really hits you hard. When my brother died two years ago in Maine, it was easy to think we just haven’t seen him in a while. Yes I knew he was dead as I attended the wake and funeral, but his death did not affect my daily routine. Also, of course, I was not as close to him as I was to my Mom so that is probably why I am affected so deeply.

It is also a revelation that I am now the last remaining member of our family unit. I am not only mourning the loss of my Mom, but my whole family. There is now no one alive who remembers me as a young child. I am the keeper of my childhood now, and I can only remember so much myself! It is of no comfort to know that I am the next to die as well!

While I have mourned all my losses deeply, I was not as deeply connected to any who I have lost as I was to my Mom. We had this connection that was almost psychic and we complimented each other well. People who saw us together always commented on our unique relationship, as it was so obvious to those who met us together. With her death, it literally feels like I have lost a body part. I yearn to be whole again, but feel like I never will be now. When she died, I felt a part of me die that instant and while I can go on, I know that I will always be missing an important piece of me.

My partner,  friends, and family have been wonderful through this ordeal. They know how deeply close my mother and I were, and have been great checking in and up on me.  I can see they feel so helpless at times, as there really is no way to make me whole again. I cherish their love and their care that they give me at this time. Unfortunately for me I am no longer a religious person. I find no comfort when people tell me she is “in a better place,” “God needed her more,” “she is looking down on you,” or “she is reunited with your dad and brothers.” I believe she is dead and I will never see her again. These platitudes only help those who believe exactly as you do, and I find them more distressing than comforting. I also don’t appreciate when I tell you that she was 87, and I am told that “she lived a good life.” Yes she did, but she didn’t want to die and just because I had her for a long time doesn’t mean that it should be easier to deal with her loss…it makes it harder. Yes, I know I was lucky to have her for so long, but when someone dies you are missing them and not thinking how lucky you were. I am not angry or upset with anyone who expresses their concern for me and my loss. I know it is difficult to find the right words to express to someone when they suffer the death of a loved one, and I appreciate all who have made an effort who have done so. I am just amazed on how the words affect me.

I know I will go on, if there is one thing I learned from Mom it was how to endure tragedy. I feel sad when I want to, and happy when I can. At one month out though, I can see that this will be a long, slow process.

I am changed forever and I miss my Mom.

Today was my mother and father’s birthday. They were both born on the 29th of December, although 9 years apart. Mom just missed her 88th birthday. Here is another poem from her book, Please Delay Departure by Betty Ann Fisher.

The Joke’s on Me

Each new day arising

is a thrill beyond compare.

I woke up this morning

and found I’m losing hair.

 Wrinkles are appearing

where dimples use to be,

and I found that squinting

makes it easier to see.

 Bloom on cheek is fading,

and my gait is getting slow.

A little hard of hearing,

just slightly deaf, you know.

 Could be I’ve started aging,

but I feel young inside,

still I could wake some morning,

and find that I have died!

Dismay in December
by Betty Ann Fisher

All the rubble ’round me lies
All shot to Heck before my eyes.
The trigger’s bent on that big gun
He thinks I’ll buy another one
The poor stuffed dog has lost his nose
And someone stepped on the turtle’s toes.

He broke the pedal of the trike
The one I was so sure he’d like
The new rug’s all marked up with glue
Those Sparkle paints were something new
The power saw and bench were nice
But they’re all fouled up from slicing ice.

The chemistry set was just delightful
But the smell , my dear, was simply frightful
The test tubes are all broken now
There’s not much left from the awful row
Over who was going to eat the cake
That the small guy made with the Easy-Bake.

Santa’s gone for another year
I’ve had my fill of joy and cheer
In case he plans on coming back
He can take the things in his big pack
To someone else’s sons and nieces
Or else stay around to mend the pieces.

From the book, Please Delay Departure

Wow it has been so long since I have written directly here on the blog. I usually just post to Twitter, which posts to Facebook, which posts to here. Confused Yet? I am. I really like facebook because it links with my friends and they are FORCED to keep up with me. Whenever I write here on the blog who knows who sees it! I do miss being able to actually put down more than a few sentences though! Those who know me in real life do know that I can really rattle on! Facebook is an amazing social network though, I must say. I have been able to find friends that I have lost touch with and it is wonderful now to be able to keep up with their daily lives. Even the non-technical friends have started to embrace it. Not having a Twitter or Facebook account is like not having a date for the senior prom! I have been so busy with nursing school that I have not been expressing my inner geek as much. In November of last year I left work at the Apple store to get a job as a certified nursing assistant. While it is good that I get my foot in the door at a hospital before I graduate, I really do miss  not being on top of the latest gadgets that Apple had to offer. That and the fact that I just don’t have the cash to buy a lot of things right now…although I do have an ipad!  2010 has been great in the fact that I start my last semester of nursing school in about a month but it has been a bad year in the fact that my 58 year old brother took his life on February 19th. Yes there is a twitter announcement on here about it somewhere, but I never really wrote about it. My mother and I had talked to him about a week before he died and we had no idea that his life would end so soon after we talked to him. He was really depressed after his second wife died for about two years and I might have expected it then, but this hit us like a ton of bricks! He seemed to be doing so much better! He was misdiagnosed with Lyme disease or so we think that is what he had and was pretty sick for the last two years. We found him a special Lyme doctor and he really seemed to be feeling a lot better with the treatment. He was going to take a severance package at his job the day he died, but he had a lot of job offers,  so it is odd that the job layoff would be too much for him. We probably will never really know. It just seemed so out of character for him.  He knew how hard we all suffered when my other brother killed himself 30 years ago in March. I am amazed that his death hasn’t finally killed my 86 year old mother. It is horrible to lose two brothers, but I can only imagine how it must feel to lose two sons. He must have been in so much emotional pain that he just couldn’t think about the rest of us. It seems such a waste. He and I were finally really having a wonderful relationship together in the past year, something we never had. He was coming down from Maine several times a month and hanging out…it was wonderful. I always thought that he was so strong in so many ways, but I did notice that emotionally something was lacking. I will miss him. My mother is a real trouper and a role model for those who have been through trauma. I know I get a lot of my strength from her and wish that I had a little less and could have given some to my brothers. I remember when my first brother died that I began to really appreciate all those that are in my life because I learned at 16 that anyone can die at any moment. I just miss so many friends and family that have passed. It is weird that my only direct living relative is now my mother and she is 86! I don’t relish that I will be the only one left, sooner than later. I can’t believe how fast time flies by when you get older. I still feel about 25, but the mirror is telling me a different story as does the fact that my family is dropping like flies! It really is time to really focus on the people who are still in my life and I will strive to do so.

Well if you have read this far, you truly have too much time on your hands, but I really appreciate it. I really enjoy the free flow thought of the blog and will probably write some articles about some inane things soon. I really miss it.

Well we made it home! It was a wonderful time and it was so much fun to have most of the family with us! I did O.K. with eating, but had a couple of times where I ate too big a piece of something and was sick for about an hour. It is hard to eat slowly when you are so excited to be someplace. The weather was beautiful and the parks were not that crowded which made the trip really nice. The weather is so cold back here! I am not ready for Winter…. or Fall for that matter!

See More Photos Here!

Well it has been a busy and crazy week. My cellulitis returned and my doctor referred me to a surgeon for possible cyst removal! I get the craziest illnesses. We are gearing up for our Cordeiro family reunion in about a week. It will be such fun to have everyone together. I have been busy with the Fisher family genealogy and have been contacted by three, count em , three distant cousins I never new I had. It really is so much fun making connections. I am down 47 lbs since my operation in June and feeling great!

I recently was contacted by a distant cousin who has filled in some of the missing links in the Fisher genealogy. I decided to publish what I have found out so far so that he can see what I have accomplished. I have a lot more work to do on it, but I did a lot of research in the past. I lost interest when my father passed away, but that is probably all the more reason I should document what I have found out. Take a look!

I haven’t written, because I haven’t been feeling very well lately. It all started with what I though was an ingrown hair on my upper arm. Within a day, the redness it grew to much larger proportions. Over the weekend my lymph nodes in my armpit became swollen, my shoulder went into spasm, and I developed a fever. I was off to the emergency room. They diagnosed it as cellulitis and put my on two antibiotics. If I don’t respond after a few days I have to contact them. It is possible that the bacteria causing it is the deadly MRSA virus, and I will have to take a special antibiotic. It is so weird. I always seem to get the most uncommon of illnesses, just when I was doing so well after my weight loss surgery.

Well we had a great time at Walt Disney World and Gay Days this past weekend. It was a lot of fun and we made some new friends as well as connected with some old ones. The highlight of the trip was Country Bear Jamboree at the Magic Kingdom. when all the bears attend the 1 P.M. show. The attraction is jam packed with bears and cubs of all sizes! We did get a call that my mother was having trouble breathing on the day we were leaving. She was rushed to the hospital and I couldn’t wait to get home to see her. My mother suffers from congestive heart failure and she was retaining fluid which was causing her to have trouble breathing. She is home now and is doing well.

Disney Pics!

This is a video I made to celebrate the 50th anniversary of Mike’s parents. They truly are special people and we love them very much

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Congratulations to Mike Cordeiro for winning the New England Bowling Association Singles Tournament! I am so proud of you!

I am a Great Uncle Again!

Today my life-partner of 12 years is 42! He is just as cute as the day I met him. If you see this man wish him…

Today I am 44. Did I just really write that? Last year I kept telling everyone I was 42…I really forgot how old I was. I don’t think that will happen this year. I feel my age lately. My back hurts, my right heel is sore, I have diabetes, my hairline is receding, I have sleep apnea, I have gray hair in my beard, I have high cholesterol, and I can’t seem to lose this middle age spread. If age is a progressive disease, I think I will be a mess by 50! I truly hope there are peaks and valleys to this roller coaster.